You Can’t Gain Confidence in the Wrong Environment
The theme of confidence continues to spark meaningful conversations this week, so let’s talk about the questions I’ve been getting.
Your confidence is deeply impacted by your environment. Whether it’s a toxic workplace, a draining relationship, or unsupportive friends or family, your surroundings matter. I’ve seen it time and time again: people with low confidence often find themselves in toxic dynamics, believing that if they can just “fix” the situation, they’ll finally be valued. But that’s not how confidence works.
In a toxic environment, people often feel stressed, undervalued, and emotionally drained. This leads to disengagement, burnout, and eventually, the decision to leave, or worse, the slow erosion of self worth. Fear-based leadership is especially damaging; when people feel punished or shamed for speaking up, they shut down.
This past weekend in Chicago, I spoke with a group of women who work for the same company, one that has become deeply toxic. Taking a few days away gave them clarity. They realized they had let their boss’s fear-based leadership chip away at their confidence.
I’ve been there. Toxic environments often don’t start that way. It creeps in slowly. And over time, you make compromises, you tolerate behaviors, and you start to believe that this is just how it is. Until one day, you wake up and realize: this isn’t right.
When that day comes, it’s time to move on, because you can’t become who you’re meant to be in a toxic environment. You won’t build the confidence you need in a place that constantly chips away at your value.
My counselor once said something that stuck with me: “If you walk through a door and someone hits you over the head with a 2×4, would you walk through that door again the next day?”
Of course not. So why do we stay in environments, jobs, relationships, and circles that do the emotional equivalent?
“You want to surround yourself with people who, when your light is shining bright think, ‘wow, what a beautiful light.’ ”
Brené Brown
The same principle applies to relationships. I love Brené Brown for her honesty and clarity. She talks about “candle blower-outers”, those people who resent your light, subtly diminish your confidence, or cheer a little less when you succeed. These are the people who discourage your growth, not because you’re doing something wrong, but because they’re uncomfortable with your light getting brighter.
Not All Tough Feedback Is Toxic
Let me be clear. Not all uncomfortable situations are toxic. If your boss is giving you clear, consistent, and respectful feedback to help you improve, that’s not toxicity. That’s leadership.
I bring this up because so many people confuse healthy accountability with toxic behavior. If your boss takes time to invest in you by offering feedback, that’s a gift. Take notes. Follow up. Ask how you’re progressing. This mindset shift can be life changing, if you drop the defensiveness and view feedback as fuel for growth.
A Quick Litmus Test
Ask yourself:
- Did that feedback clarify expectations or leave me confused?
- Was it about control or growth?
- Did I feel empowered or diminished?
The answers will tell you a lot about the environment you’re in, and whether your confidence can grow there.
Your Confidence Challenge This Week
If this message resonates with you, here’s your challenge:
Step back and evaluate your environment. Pick one area of your life, your job, a relationship, a friendship, and ask:
- Does this space support my growth?
- Do I feel safe to be honest, make mistakes, and learn?
- Am I more confident because of this environment or in spite of it?
If the answer leaves you unsettled, don’t ignore it. Journal about it.Talk to someone you trust. Take one small step to protect your peace or set a boundary.
And if you’re in a healthy environment where someone gives you hard feedback, lean in. Ask for clarity. Show them you’re listening. Growth doesn’t always feel good in the moment, but it always leaves you stronger.
If you’re up for it, share your insight or breakthrough in the comments or with someone close to you. Let’s build confidence together one honest step at a time.